This was an email I sent in late January 07 in an attempt to open up some communication:


My thoughts on paper are as confusing to me as they are in my head:

In recent weeks the phrase that is coming up in my head every now and then is that “there is no 'We' in our relationship” just you and me. The rift has been slowly widening. We focus on what works for ourselves at that moment. And it seems that when I reach out to try and do a”we” thing I get set aside for something else that is more important to you at the moment. In turn I get hurt and do the same back to you when the opportunity arises.
I see over the years what I have been doing is setting myself up for disappointment. I wait for you to initiate something that I would like and it never happens. Yet as we talked this morning I need to ask for it. A simple example is a back rub in bed. There have been many nights when we crawl into bed and I deeply wish that you would rub my head or back only it does not happen. I used to love to give you back rubs (you did not ask for them, but I knew it was something you enjoy and I could sense your need, so I would do it). But over time, I started thinking I did not get any reciprocation (because I well as really enjoy rubs) so I stopped initiating. This is something I believe should be an intuitive loving thing and one should not have to ask for it ever time one wants to feel love, closeness, belonging, or partnership. I see it at a common sense item in a man/woman relationship.
For me it has gotten to the point of not wanting to give anymore because I feel I am not receiving enough. I am at the point where I feel that just providing financially for this “family” is enough. But what do I get in return? It seems that it has become less and less over time. Is it wrong to expect reciprocation or something in return? My fault is that I think that providing for you and doing things that make you and the girls happy will in turn result in similar actions from you and the girls. I realize the financial end is tough for you but there are many other ways to give support. Which I guess means I need to provide you with a clear picture of what those ways are so we are on the same page.
Also as I mentioned I feel that doing things together has to be done on your terms. How do you deal with wanting to do a “we” thing but getting set aside when the other person wants it as their personal time? How do you deal with wanting to have intimacy with your partner but only being able to have that when they want it? Strangely enough in the beginning of our relationship our timing was right on, we seemed in tune with each other and everything clicked. Today, from my vantage point we have reached a point where our timing is way out of sync. As you indicated we are focused on what the other is not giving us. But what I also see that scares me is that what we had has diminished to almost nothing. Our hearts have hardened from little hurts over time which leads to resentment and a continued downward spiral into a non-relationship.
I won't deny that I am not the cause of things but I also believe that we are both responsible. It's the whole chicken and egg thing. You have helped me realize that only I can make myself happy and I have been working towards that. I see you too have been doing that as well. But as I sit in my new office and at home at night when you are at work I really feel on my own. I can't help but feel concerned as we go in differing paths that we will not find that balance point, that yin to yang feeling again. I wait for you and perhaps you wait for me to see what happens and we go nowhere. Though with all this going on in my head I do think you are a wonderful interesting person that offers the world some great things. I commend you for putting up with what life has thrown you and with me. Hopefully this will be a starting point for some positive communications. And by the way I really did enjoy backgammon the other night!
Xoxo Kirk