That is the question of the week my life coach put out there for me. My perspective on the concept of selfishness for many years has been a negative one. My mind set was one of putting others first before yourself which has not been working for me, especially in my relationships with people I love. I have the knack of putting their happiness before mine because I think “if they are happy then I am happy.” This is just not so, as I am now learning at 43 that happiness starts from within.

My new perspective on selfishness is that it is ok. Being selfish is asking for what you need. The example given in my session with my life coach was that selfishness is easily used in the business world. In my business I have had to be selfish because clients might tend to take advantage of you and run you ragged if you don't set the boundaries. Being selfish means settings boundaries.

In my relationship, selfishness was a double edged sword. From one standpoint I was too selfish and would restrict my partner in her efforts to experience life by always helping her accomplish something or solve a problem. I lacked the compassion to just let her experience what she needed to experience. On the other side I was not selfish enough in setting boundaries for myself and the relationship. Because of my concept of selfishness as being a bad thing I put my partner and her girls happiness as a higher priority than mine.

As an example, during the relationship, I became a stay at home dad. I had this great image of me as “the family guy” who would strive to keep the house together, have meals ready etc. I thought this was the right thing to do and it felt good in the beginning. Now realize that I was doing it mainly for them. I was trying to make them happy by being and giving to them what I thought they wanted me to be and give. Also in the process, I lost my identity and slowly became isolated and dependent on that feeling of being the family guy and the supporter all at once. "If I could just give more, things will be better" was what my mind always said. As the kids grew up into their teens, the fun and appreciation disappeared. The novelty wore off and they began to do their own thing, searching for what makes them happy. I was left in the dust of my own doing by losing touch with who I was and not being selfish, setting boundaries or asking for what I need.

Today, as I analyze the concept of selfishness I see it like the instructions the flight attendant gives you about what to do with the oxygen mask. "In the case of a de-pressurization of the airplane the oxygen mask will deploy. First affix your own mask and then help the person or child next to you." I see that by me being selfish in a relationship, tending to my needs first, it will enable me to be a more effective partner. By setting boundaries for myself and others it will allow me to be more aware of what is going on. Without a flight plane how do you know when you are off course?

Selfishness for me today, is stepping back and looking at things from a different perspective so that I can understand myself better and grow. It is about giving my partner/friend the space she needs to grow and process what has occurred. It is an ongoing changing process that requires faith. And that is a topic I will be investigating during the month of May! Stay tuned.


What are your thoughts on using selfishness to enhance relationships?