Ok, so I missed writing about what it was like in my life after a year of being single. Perhaps it was because I was away in Tennessee, surrounded by enchanted forests of pine and Dogwood. I was the only male participant amount 20 or so women at this inspirational place called Gray Bear. It was a week long Yoga retreat with Mary Paffard. Presence was the title of the gig. I was with what has now become my Tennessee family of Yogi's who I'd met the previous summer at Yoga Mendocino in Ukiah. It felt like I was home. I had been and still suffer from bouts of connectedness to family ~ definitely first Chakra work. Yet the warmth and openness of these people was comforting to me. We were all there working on ourselves and supporting eachother.

But back to the issue at hand. One year or more later after my relationship with Alicia reached its changing point, I have my freedom back and so does she. Our paths have parted miles apart. Her girls, Carly and Savannah, though not biologically tied to me, were a big part of my life for seven years and I can't help but feel a connectedness to them. They are at that age when they pull away, claim their independence and ignore adult figures in pursuit of their own pleasures. I hear from them once in a while. They did come out for a weekend at the family cabin and stayed with me in Ukiah briefly. It was great to catch up. They, as does my Yoga practice, reinforce the need to let go.

I traveled a bit this year and met many new friends on my journey. Some, have ignited my heart with an uncanny sense of connectedness, love and acceptance. Funny, though, that the women I have fallen for in my travels have all had partners. Most recently, I met a woman, who in my opinion was the spitting image of the Goddess Venus! Unexpectedly she lit up every part of my body in the first minute of our meeting eachother. Her radient light illuminated even the darkest parts of my being. Her eyes gently cradled my soul. Yet, I knew someone this beautiful and kind person would not be single and I was OK with that. I was more excited about the fact that I could still feel in such a way and that my mind did not run off into fantasy land and make up all the stories that create that false sense of longing, wanting and desire. I was just experiencing was was in that moment and it and she were beautiful.

What these experiences are showing me is a contrast in me of wanting to have intimacy back in my life, to have a partner and needing to protect myself from hurt and rejection. It has brightly illuminated my wound from my previous relationship that I have so carefully distracted myself from looking at this year. Wow, it is a wound, it does go deep and it will heal. Ahhh, now that's better. So when I am ready life will present me again with what I need to advance to the next stage.

My belief that Alicia and I were deeply connected and would eventually come back together has faded with time. Heart felt communication, boundary setting, and personal and physical development are my focus now. As I write this from my dinning room table, I have two of my best friends from Tennessee in my house for a Yoga Summer Intensive. They are the loveliest women and they are on their phones talking with their respective partners. They have been apart from them for over a week now. I am a bit envious right now but in time I will have what I need in relationship. So what do I need in this moment? A hug would be nice. And I have many friends from which to ask for a hug. I am grateful for all of you and what you have contributed to my rebirth this past year. I love you all.

8/1/08

KRF