It is my immature untrained thinking mind that walled up my heart over time. It restricted me from speaking from my heart. My past experiences and insecurities were also there waiting to chime in and add to the perceived pain. And the immature mind would take it and run with it. Old emotional wounds were re-opened and began to fester.

In quiet moments of my mind, the heart was able to speak and know that everything was alright. But the mind fought back creating doubt, conflict and fear. Fear of loss, emotional pain, and rejection made the heart retreat again and again. Our emotional communication ceased to exist.

My mind would misinterpret your actions or words, taking them personally, assuming and not questioning. “you are pulling away from me , what have I done?” “Do you still love me?” “If I only give more of myself she won't be stressed out and will be able to love me.” When I would gather up the courage to address an issue (long after it occurred) the mind would verbalize my feelings inaccurately using generalities and mis-state what the heart was really feeling at the time the original incident occurred. I could not cite specifics most of the time because I had gotten past it, yet the mind kept the misinterpreted feeling there.

I became an addict of your love and would do anything for even a crumb of it. I longed for acknowledgment, appreciation and love from you. I was not receiving or understanding how you communicated your love to me. Physical love became one of the only ways I felt I was being loved by you because I felt we were so intensely connected in those moments.

When a moment would arise where an emotion in me was triggered by something you did or said. I would suppress or dismiss the feeling and not communicate my true feelings and needs at that moment. My mind would justify it by saying that you have too much to worry about already and that by not adding to your stress that I was respecting you. Or, that I needed to be strong and deal with it and not be a whiner. The underlying thought or experience fueling the emotion that arose would be any one or a combination of my fears of being alone, of not being liked or loved, or being of being neglected and not included.

What I really needed to communicate in those moments was “wow, I am having this emotional reaction in my body to something you said or did which touched a sensitive part in me, what I need right now is ... reassurance that you love me... a hug... acknowledgment... some space to figure out what is underlying those feelings. I needed to communicate differently than I did.

Instead, over time, the suppression of these moments added up. The mind would run the stories over and over again building resentment, self loathing, shyness, lack of creativity and more in me. I would respond to you by being negative, controlling things, or throw out biting or hurtful comments (passive aggressive) that touched a sensitive chord in you and the pattern would continue and we both drew apart from each other.

Instead of communicating our truths in a kind and neutral manner we withdrew and started tip toeing around the issues living on the surface level of the relationship. I was afraid to attempt to communicate on an emotional level with you. I was scared of you and what you could do to my emotional body. In the last few years, the loss of my mother and Carly becoming a teenager and withdrawing from me really ripped me up inside. I felt compressed, closed off, trapped and unloved. And the mind worked overtime in the void of self loathing and fear to drive me crazy.

I do want to come together in a non-threatening environment and talk about our relationship. I want: to learn to communicate love to you in the way you understand; to understand how you communicate love to me; to learn about and be compassionate towards your fears and emotional wounds; to be able to express my emotions and thoughts to you in a non threatening way.

You have been my best friend for these many years but I hardly know you emotionally. I do know in my heart that the base of a beautiful relationship was created and it needs some nurturing and understanding from each of us. What I do not know is whether you want to communicate and work with me on this emotional level.
That is what I see now and it is from my heart.

Kirk